I may or may not have hurt my friend tonight by entering into a deep and spiritual place with her. So, I’m just wondering what it’s all got to do with the big picture. Is it part of the big picture? …of course! All providence is from God, if I truly believe in that all sovereign and powerful Being. I do.
It’s not about her. It’s just that I’m stuck in this miserable life, and she happens to be someone with whom I really connect. You know when you’re feeling so low and lonely and all you do is fantasize the perfect scenario? Then someone opens up a thought that maybe someone is worse off than you, (maybe because they think it might make you feel better, but for whatever reason) and all you want to do is criticize them because it makes you feel like you’re not so bad. Ya, that just happened and it sucks because no one deserves that kind of fucked up criticism. But, Friend, if you knew the shit I’m dealing with, the real twisted crap, then you wouldn’t understand how I’m even holding down a job, friends and a relatively sane life. So, be glad you only have a third of what I’m dealing with. Because…seriously, the crap I am enduring cannot even be posted in a blog.
The fact remains, that you make room for me. You open up and are available for me. You are genuinely interested in my life. You let me talk. You let me be myself…the self that is my new self. The one I lost years ago when all my shit hit the fan. This girl is trying hard to come back out, and you have taken care to allow her into your space. You care. And that’s a period. You care. I used to question why you would be such a good friend to me. But now, it’s not a quandary at all, not because the answer was revealed to me, but because it doesn’t matter anymore. I feel your love. Not like that…not weird, just that it’s right.
Do you believe all things work together for good? I do. And I also believe that there are some friendships that are just plain good. I mean, they work together in this big picture called life for the good! How can I be so open and honest and carefree with you? I don’t effing know…but it’s good. Thanks for being there for me and not judging me. Thanks for sacrificing your time for me tonight. I know there were a million other things you could’ve been doing and tons of other people you could’ve spent time with. I’m sorry for taking you for granted tonight. You didn’t deserve that at all! With Love, Your Friend