To the middle aged man at the grocery store with a full cart load of stuff standing in line for the self checkouts. I’m not exaggerating. It was a full cart. Plus, there were produce items in the mix. Everyone knows you don’t bring more than three produce items through self checkout, and three is really pushing it. He was the reason I did not use self checkout that trip. Dear sir, this could take you from middle aged to old. This could take the young moms in line from Cinderella to Lady Tremaine. And the kids with her…don’t get me started! Dear kind old man, why do you do this? You must be a control freak, but at least your cheerful one. Yep, that smile will take you a long way.
And to you, the young, gorgeous blonde with your three little ones…oh wait there’s one more! You with your FOUR little ones. I mean, wow…you should get mother of the year for this…NOT. Really, this does not have to be a teaching moment. We all know you’re a great wife, mom, teacher and obviously you’re a damn good cook, forgetting the fresh garlic and Tabasco sauce. I get it, but I just want to get my six pack and get home on a Friday night. And believe me, when I get home I’m for sure not going to speak accolades of praise for the homeschool mom I saw with her adorably sweet family. No, it will be different, and yes, I’m writing a blog about you when I get home…that’s the only thing I can thing of whilst patiently standing behind your precious crew, besides how tan you are…is that real?
And what about this one? Seriously, 22 bottles of wine, tampons and one lonely pack of salami? You forgot the Brie. A little disproportionate aren’t we? (This is what Mom of the year secretly wants in her cart) Hard week…I can resonate, so I’ll let you slide. For all I know, you’re a restaurant owner or maybe you have like 17 kids and just can’t handle home life without a bottle or two a night, or maybe staycation coming up? Anyway, I get it, babe. Seriously though, I hope you don’t have to scan each one of those separately. And don’t you dare ask me to hold your place in line while you go get the forgotten Brie. See ya next week!
Phew! Glad I got that out. For the record I held back on the exclamation marks. Would have been a train wreck for sure!!!!!!